Waiting to find ease
I listen for the mail truck to come down my street as eagerly as I waited for the ice cream truck when I was little. I send out volumes of friendly mail however the flow back to me is a trickle. Still, any day there could be something wonderful waiting in my mailbox. It has taken me a while to reach this ease as far as the postal system is concerned.
When I was little I waited for my birthday and Christmas and Easter. I waited for the first day of school (yes, I’m that nerd). I’ve waited to hear if I got into college. I waited to hear a proposal of marriage. I waited to get pregnant. I waited to find a house. I waited for my favorite tv show to come on. Well, you get the idea. I wait. We all wait for big and small things.
Right now, like many of us, I am waiting to see when normal returns. However I’ve come to a conclusion. Normal, or rather they way things used to be, is not coming back. Funny thing, the way things used to be never returns. I waited for college entrance and life was never the same after that. I waited for marriage and life was never the same after that. I waited to be pregnant and life was never the same after that. Life keeps flowing, it doesn’t double back to the way things used to be.
Waiting involves a lot of time. Sometimes the timeline is short, the mail arrives six days a week. Other times the waiting consumes months. This last year in lockdown and beyond I have been waiting for the next thing. When I say that I mean, what is the next life task before me. I’ve been a student, a wife, a mommy, an author, an artist. Now I was wondering what my next title will be. I do not see a clear picture. I wait.
I have done a lot of waiting but it still takes me a while to find ease in the wait. I said it took me a while to be as ease waiting for mail. I used to get annoyed when there was nothing friendly in the mailbox. After all, I do my part. I send out lots of letters. However the longer I waited the more I realized that when something did arrive it was special and gave me great joy. So one piece of mail can give me pause to enjoy the moment and be connected with a friend. If I received a stack of mail I would feel obligated to answer immediately. No joy. The difference is ease. I enjoy the happiness of the moment.
Getting comfortable with the wait to find my next life task has taken me longer. Why can’t I figure out where I should be placing my energies? Why is it so hard to discern what is a good fit? Why do I even care? Turns out waiting is part of my next task. I wait on my yoga mat. I put my energies into meditation. I have been reading a thoughtful collections of writers, like Richard Rohr, Mary Oliver, and the Dali Lama, to name a few. I think there’s something bigger waiting for me, some task I don’t see at the moment. But during this time and in this present moment I know I am experiencing an expansion of my faith. I have more time to connect with the Divine. I’ve discovered the magic of waiting and there is ease.